Egg Ads

Sometimes I rant about the poor quality of American movies and TV. You know, how I feel that they appeal to the lowest level of intellect and taste. Well, today I discovered that the largest network TV company in the U.S., CBS. has not "dropped the egg" in trying to sell the inferior programming it makes.
You see, CBS has started advertising its slogan, logo and programming schedule on eggs sold at grocery stores. I am not kidding! More than 35 million eggs are being marked with phrases such as "CSI: Crack the Case On CBS". CBS even invented a word for this garish marketing strategy, calling it its "Outernet strategy", an effort to reach viewers outside of their homes as they go about their daily lives.
Now instead of being annoyed by chattering cell phone addicts when I am shopping, I also have to read CBS egg ads when I cook an omelet. Hmmmmmm I wonder how far this kind of crass advertising can extend. Maybe condoms will have laser imprinted cell provider offers or a child's homework assignment will advertise KFC saying it might be time to take "A KFC Break From Algebra". It's all too much for me. I think I'll just give up eating eggs!
Every year the award for worst published opening paragraph is given out in San Jose State University's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for bad writing. You are in luck....sort of...as I have a sample of the 2006 winner from the entries submitted to the judges. It comes from an alleged novelist named Jim Guigli, of Carmichael, California.
Jim submitted 64 entries this year and the judges were most impressed (revolted) by a section in Jim's novel about a pretty woman who walks into a detective's office. Here is his winning opening paragraph. "Detective Bart Lasitier was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean." Are you there? Did you vomit after reading that?
It is good/bad isn't it? Well, given that the contest is named for the guy, Edward George Bulwer Lytton, who gave the world a novel with the infamous opening line- "It was a dark and stormy night"- this year's entry is a god attempt at imaginative opening lines. Winning author Jim was underwhelemed at the award for worst opening, a small cash payment and plenty of public humiliation and embellishment o his reputation a a bad writer.
But Jim is a realist. "At one time I wanted to write detective novels, " he said after winning this year. "I never got a good start on it". Let's hope he will be good enough to end it right now.