Special Units

I thought I had heard of every politically correct program, every special interest group and every strange idea. But I just heard about...hold on to your computer terminal and sit tight...I just read about a very specialized police squad, the Gay and Lesbian Unit in Washington D.C. That's right. There is a unit in the police department, one of several in the U.S., led by a muscle bound and nasty looking openly gay sergeant.
Sgt. Brett Parsons is charged with leading investigations of so called "hate crimes" (a crime involving a member of some minority in which there is belief the motivation for the crime was hatred against that person's belief or lifestyle) and cases from within the gay community, mostly drug crimes and gay-on-gay violence. The unit is also in place because of complaints by gays against police officers who allegedly mistreat gay and transsexual people. The Gay and Liaison Unit attempts to put police officers in Washington on notice not to abuse gay suspects.
But wait! Despite whether the unit is effective or not, is the expense of it warranted? Or should there be more special interest police units set up to help protect people from "hate crimes"? I am not referring to those that have a clear need for existing- Anti Gang Units, Boat Patrols, Swat Teams, Drug Units etc... No, I think that if there is a need for a Gay and Lesbian Unit we might expand the special unit to a few I have thought of instituting. Here are some of my suggestions.
* Anti Donut Unit- This one would be composed of police officers dedicated to rooting police from donut shops of the nation. Just think of the manpower increase if we can get them out of those donut shops. I have yet to ever be in a donut shop without seeing at least one on-duty police officer. Yes....criminals wouldn't stand a chance of not being caught after the Anti Donut Unit clears the cops out of donut shops and puts them back onto the streets.
* No Rap Unit- How about a unit that does nothing but drive around the city and stops people who play that filthy rap too loud? The drivers who turn up the volume on their rap just don't seem to understand that I don't like or want to be assaulted by their music. It is a violation of the noise ordinances to have music that loud, so why not? My car would no longer vibrate when one of those idiots pulls alongside and blares the latest hate "music" tape. I say confiscate their rp tapes and fine them $1000 a piece. The only problem I see with the No Rap Unit is that it will have to be very large to put a dent into the number of fools who blare their rap.
* Cell Phone Shooters- Yep! We need an assault team to shoot cell abusers on spot. The minute the rude, idiotic cell addicts start blabbing in public on their phones the Cell Phone Shooters can take aim and have fun. Hehe That's one way to cure their addiction to their phones. I may volunteer to join that unit.
* Reality TV Unit- This one would have broad powers to outlaw any of those reality TV shows that seem to be everywhere. For instance, if there is to be a Survivor show, then everyone but the survivor must die during the show...real death, not TV death. The Reality TV Unit should arrest everyone involved in the production of any reality show if it isn't truly "real" And no more catered lunches for Survivor show contestants to eat when the cameras aren't rolling, no doctors on the set, no air conditioning breaks....you get the idea,. Hehe I want only one survivor on that show...er..it would be nice if only one view survives too. I think the world IQ gene pool would show a rapid increase in IQ scores if we did that.
* Shopping Mall Corps- The Shopping Mall Cops would enforce a time limit for mall shopping, perhaps two hours a day. Any person ( Let's face it. I'm referring to women, since no self respecting man would spend more than two hours a day in a shopping mall) caught browsing in a mall beyond the legal time limit would lose his or her credit cards and be subjected to shopping addiction classes for a week.
* Lunatic Mail Cop- Uh....I think I would be immediately arrested and probably shot by this police officer. Therefore, I comment no more on this one. In fact.... I better hide right now just in case this unit already exists........