Jimmy Awards

The Academy Awards have been given this year. You know, that orgy of "stars" who promote themselves and give awards for their efforts in pretending on screen. "Garish" is a nice word for that display of pretentious ego and self congratulation. So I will leave those awards alone and today star my first annual "Jimmy Awards" (Jimmy is me) for the most entertaining OFF screen performances of the year. Hold on to your mouse, here they are...
* Best Non Living Performance- Anna Nicole Smith. Anna refuses to die, even after being declared dead by the coroner. In fact, Anna has made a quite a show of her burial site. The good thing about this performance by Anna is that it is a one time only display. No sequels of this one. * Best Groomed Performer- Britney Spears. Shaving her head may be Britney's attempt to see if there are any brains underneath and inside her skull. Sadly, none have been found yet.
* Best Spoiled Brat- Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay needs to be locked in her room for about a year and forced to read a thick book on etiquette and selfless behavior. Oh, wait...maybe one of the rehab centers she enters for a day or two could just chain her to the wall and civilize her there.
* Best Performance For Continued Weird Behavior- Tom Cruise. Can a guy who names his child "Suri", jumps up and down on couches, and preaches Scientology no one wants to hear ever be normal?
* Best Celebrity Feud- Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell. Only Rosie could make Donald seem a sympathetic character. I think both of them just need a good enema.
* Best Imitation of Talent and Celebrity- Paris Hilton. Does anyone have a job title description for what she does or what her talent is?
* Bets Job of Overexposing Oneself- Angelina Jolie. From the woman who once wore around her neck a vial of ex husband Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck, adopts babies from parents who don't want to let their kid's go, is now traveling to Darfur "to raise awareness" of the situation, Angelina may make bad movies , but she sure knows how to raise awareness of herself * Best Lap Dog- Angelina's pet, one time macho guy Brad Pitt. Pitt has been emasculated by Angelina to the extent that his tough guy roles in films seem caricature of his real life obsequiousness. I keep wondering when he will leave that creature and regain his own identity.
* Best Diva Moment of Self Importance- Halle Berry. Halle had her kitchen cabinets stained for $57,000, and the contract she made the company workers agree to is even stranger than the fee. It stated that no worker was allowed to approach Diva Halle or speak to her at any time. Only when Diva Halle spoke to the workers were they allowed to reply. Well done, Diva Halle!
* Best Secret Gas Guzzler- Julia Roberts likes trendy issues, so she is a big vocal supporter of the global warming theory and for not owning a gas guzzling car. But, despite the fact that Julia owns a Prius that gets almost 60 kilometers per mile, she also uses fuel guzzling private jets to see friends and make it to the best parties. Oh, I forgot...celebrities are allowed to guzzle gas when it is important to them....
* Best Anti Semitic- Mel Gibson. How sad that a once likable actor has let his religious fanaticism turn him into something ugly and pathological, proof once again that taking anything in life too seriously can be fatal.
* Best Nose Job Worst Secret Of It- Jennifer Anniston. It's bad enough Jennifer's marriage to Brad ended when Angelina stole him, and that her career is faltering. But when her nose job became public news after the surgeon gave interviews about it, Jennifer became one of those nose in the air celebs.
There you have it! The Jimmy's for 2006 excellence off screen. Of course this is all tongue in cheek. I think the celebrities I skewered probably wouldn't mind, so you shouldn't either. If I offended your favorite star here then give out your own awards next year so I can just shut up (for once).