Junk Mail Religion

Recently I have been studying the subject of religion and mortality, or that is, what does religion say about mortality. It's all very contradictory and confusing to me. For instance, Islam says suicide is evil, but approves of suicide bombings and the murder of infidels. The Christians often have gone to war willingly, even though the creed for them is "though shalt not kill". Even the Buddhists have a confusing policy about death. They say life is evil and that we should suffer here, maybe meditate to take our minds off the horrible life we are given, and hope to dying as fast as possible so we can escape and ascend to nirvana. But I am not going believe a religion that says this existence is only meant for suffering. And Judaism doesn't believe in heaven or hell at all. I could go on about many other religions, their beliefs in the mortality or immortality of humans. But you get the idea.
I am in a quandary about whether he is immortal (probably not...but if someone is immortal I think it should be me). But alas! This internet has led me to a new religion, and it is a far more entertaining one than any of the traditional ones. It's the religion of Junk Mail. Yep! I am waiting for the Junk God to send me the application to join his sect because I like the junk mail world I see whenever I open my junk mail. I think there must be a heavenly version of junk mail too. Just think of all the pleasures you would experience if you were to ascend to Junk Mail Heaven. The religion of Junk Mail promises bigger boobs and penises, easy to implement schemes to make millions of dollars instantly, miracle diet pills, Nigerian cells of heaven in which bank accounts are mysteriously filled with a stranger's money, cheap plane tickets to heaven, budget hotel rooms when arriving there, free computers "just for trying our products", real estate at a fraction of the normal cost, refinanced mortgages cost free at lower monthly payments, on line dating sites guaranteed to match me with Jennifer Lopez, sales from retailers never found at the stores off line, auctions "every 5 seconds", "Christian Debt" removal programs that are virtually cost free, medications and teeth whitening products at half price off, life insurance programs "only available on-line".....there is so much to this Junk Mail religion that looks good.
And the great thing is that the Junk Mail God will find you. No need to search your mind or heart for the spirit, or even to look in the yellow pages for a local Junk God church, the Junk Mail God comes into your soul through the internet every day. He never stops blessing you with mail that always amusing, sometimes enlightening and never judgmental. When one joins the Junk Mail congregation he or she can enter the Junk God mailbox free anytime at all. There is no collection plate passed, no long boring sermons telling you why you are a worthless sinner, no responsibility except to read the mail every day.
The Junk Mail religion is one of hope and promise. If you hear from the Junk Mail God before I do, please forward his offer...uh...to my junk mail box, of course.