Worst Song Ever

CNN is finally providing us with a real service. They have assigned their music critic, a guy named Todd Leopold, the task of finding the 10 worst pop songs of all time. My God! Just turn on a radio or an I pod and you'll hear ten awful ones in less than 30 minutes. The state of today's music industry is so bad that we are getting more and more retreaded recordings of older tunes. Well, since most songs written today are as bad as the movie scripts we get, it might not be a bad idea to keep recording the oldies.
Anyway, Todd nominated his own worst pop tune. It's a ditty called "Honey", a 1968 hit by Bobby Goldsboro that I am familiar with. That one is a nauseating tear-jerker (ala the "Titanic" music of Celine Dion) about the singers wife dying and the tree she planted before her death. One line in it says "See the tree, how big it has grown. But friend! It hasn't been too long. It wasn't big..." Oh, my...lines like that are enough to make me want to chop that tree down myself. Todd set two rules for the nominations to find the worst song of all time.
1) The song has to have been a hit, the kind you hear on the radio so often you get cramps in your hand from changing the channel. 2) It has to be one the listener hates immediately, not a song that we hate because we hear it over and over.
Todd's fellow CNN employees have given us a start on finding the worst. here is their list of nominees for worst song ever.
- Starship's "We Built This City" (And every time I hear that song I want to burn that city down!)
- Billy Rae Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" (I think we should expect at least one of the nominated songs to be written by a guy named "Billy Ray"
- The Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" (A disgusting ode by a sex addict to the the need for afternoon sex)
- Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" (When I first heard that I hoped someone would break Mister's hands so he couldn't compose any more songs.)
- Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" (Who's Don Johnson?)
- CW McCall's "Convoy" (That one was a romantic song about truckers..no kidding...what's next? A tune that romanticizes proctologists?)
- Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" (maybe, but you can't sing)
- Rick Dees' "Disco Duck" (Rick sings like Donald Duck in this one. Fortunately, no one tried to shoot him during Duck hunting season)
- Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" ( Relax..I won't sing to you in this E mail about mine)
- Richard Harris' "Mac Arthur Park" (Rumor has it that General Mac Arthur rose from the dead and slapped Harris for singing it...It's so bad I haven't been able to set foot in a park since I heard it. My suggestion is for you to put the title of those songs in a search engine to see for yourself. and tell em what your nominee is too.
Oh.. if you can't find those 10 nominated songs just tune into anything Mariah Carey sings...Even the dogs in your neighborhood will howl if you play that garbage.
It's not always good to be "young at heart". To illustrate that concept we need only look at Esther Gomez, 76, of San Antonio, Texas. Esther may be doing things someone her age shouldn't be doing....like dealing drugs. Yep...Esther has been arrested for producing and selling heroin from her home, and apparently for years. Police say they nabbed Esther after tips that the woman has been running a drug transaction business three hours every morning at her home. They saw her make several transactions and discovered insider her home 34 grams of black-tar heroin and six grams of cut heroin inside several plastic bags in her purse and a coffee grinder Esther used to cut her heroin. She was released on $20,000 bond. But I suspect she probably won't head for the old folks home to play Bingo....