Toilet Paper

I know it is a weird subject to write to you about, but I am a little weird and weird subjects often provoke thought about other weird things in life.  So maybe it will take you out of your normal conventional mode. Therefore,  the subject today is toilet paper. Yep, I was thinking about that as I wiped this morning, not about the wiping process (feel relieved I won't try to convince you about the proper wipe) but on the number and kinds of toilet paper out there.

First let me attest that I think toilet paper is a great and useful invention. Once when in Italy in the early 80's while walking in Rome I had diarrhea and searched frantically for a bathroom that was open and had toilet paper. I couldn't find one....in time. The Italian culture may be my favorite, but it needs to upgrade its toilet paper customs. Anyway, the history of toilet paper says that the first use of paper for such hygiene purposes was in China in the 6th century. The Chinese always seem to be first, but having been there a number of times I can attest that Chinese toilet paper today isn't much of an improvement over the 6th century variety. Odd too, that in China it is regularly stolen when placed in public places. What does that say about the Chinese culture today?

 Anyway, specifically manufactured toilet paper was first mass produced in Europe in the 14th century. Later, modern commercial toilet paper originated in the 19th century, with a patent for roll based dispensers being made in 1883. An American guy from New York named Zach Wheeler invented modern toilet paper and the roll dispenser in 1877.  What a legacy that is! I bet even his mom didn't brag about her son's business.  Still today many parts of the world, especially where toilet paper or the necessary plumbing for disposal may be unavailable or unaffordable, toilet paper is not used. Also, in many parts of the world such as India, people consider using water a much cleaner and more sanitary practice than using paper. And what is with those crazy French and their bidets?

I'll spare you the details of any more toilet paper history. It is ...uh.. a messy subject to deal with. Let's look at today's toilet paper choices. Toilet paper products vary greatly in the size, weight, roughness, softness, chemical residues, "finger breakthrough" resistance, water absorption, etc.  There may be too many choices in most places in the world. When I was in (then communist) Russia years ago I went to the famed GUM department store and discovered the Russians had their toilet paper (and every other thing for sale) in one available choice.  You bought it or not. If not I suppose you never mentioned it.  But almost everywhere today, the larger toilet paper companies have very detailed, scientific market surveys to determine the consumer demand for which of the many technical qualities is most preferred.

Today, in the United States, plain unpatterned colored toilet paper has been mostly replaced by patterned toilet paper, normally white, with embossed decorative patterns or designs in various colors and different sizes depending on the brand. But in most institutional buildings the user will find the cheap white paper their only option. Colored toilet paper remains popular in some European countries today. I wonder why the Europeans still want it that way?

Despite singer Sheryl Crows advice to wipe with but a single piece of toilet paper each trip to the pot, we have many options today. One of the unusual ones in the U.S. is the holiday print rolls. At Christmas time, for example, you can buy toilet paper with reindeer and other Christmas scenes . I find it sacrilegious to wipe with Santa's image imprinted, so I abstain from using that. Just as there was a George Bush toilet paper roll, there is an Obama print too.  That guy is too present in my life already, so I refuse to wipe with an Obama roll. I also refuse to wipe with any toilet paper that has inspirational or religious messages attached. It's the only thing on which the Islamic world and I agree.

What I want is soft and durable toilet paper...white will do. Hmmmm If I ask you what kind of toilet paper you prefer I might regret asking. Heaven forbid you are the one who uses the inspiration quote of the day paper or who tells me about what type your dog likes. I just hope you wipe! Instead of asking, I sends wishes that your day be on that does not go into the toilet....