Turkey Times

Given that in the United States November is when the Thanksgiving mandate to eat turkey on the last Thursday of the month is an American law (well, it seems to be so), I thought I would make some more of my typically stupid remarks, this time about about cooking turkeys. Cooked turkeys are a mystery because they are mostly dry but sometimes are a moist tasting meat. Turkeys were first domesticated in Mexico and Central America, and  remain common as a food source here in the U.S.

But not every consumer is convinced that eating turkey is not like chewing on rubber.  The fact that the turkey is ubiquitous and inexpensive keeps the turkey available for meals all year round. We see in our supermarkets ground turkey, turkey legs, turkey sausage, turkey TV dinners (the first TV dinner every sold features sliced turkey as the attraction) and on and on. The problem with turkey as a human food source is it is a dry meat. There is just too little fat on the turkey to make it easy to cook without turning it into rubber.

The traditional roast in an oven approach is often unimpressive. The result is an endless array of cooking methods for cooking turkey. My personal favorite is the time consuming, messy, charcoal smoking of a turkey for 8 hours  But who wants to work that hard for sliced turkey? My native Louisiana Cajuns are the inventors of the deep fried turkey craze that produces a mediocre bird if not done with expertise. I never eat fried turkeys. Forget all the turkey cooking methods! That ideal turkey does not exist, or at least is not approachable without a food stylist, Photo shop, and glossy magazine article that shows a fake turkey that looks delicious.

Cooking a turkey is such an impossible task that entire industries have come into existence to trick the cook into thinking otherwise. Grocery and specialty cooking stores break out shelves of specialty equipment every fall when frozen turkeys hit grocery stores priced so low that we all become one of those "suckers born every minute" and purchase them. Phone numbers that are turkey hot lines for the beleaguered turkey cook are manned throughout the holiday to provide instant help. Cooks ask. Should I brine it? Do I stuff it? Maybe I cook it upside down? Can I use a rub? How often should I baste?  What if we deep fry our turkey? (I can answer that one... you'll be sorry  if you do!)

I have found the solution to the turkey cooking/eating problem. It's quite simple. Don't be a turkey at Thanksgiving time. Forget the turkey this Thanksgiving and instead make your self a bologna sandwich.  Even I couldn't mess that up.