Odd Christmas Songs

We still have a a way to go before Christmas day, and amazingly, I am still listening to Christmas music and smiling the whole while. Christmas music is escapism at its best, an unreal sentimentality that uplifts those of us who like to pretend that life could be as idealistic as in the tunes of the season. Most of Christmas music soothes me, but when I begin to get weary of the sugar world of Christmas it's usually because of a few Christmas songs that I wished were banished to the North Pole.  They are the odd tunes of Christmas. Some are intentionally silly, others unintentionally awful, but when they sneak onto my favorite Christmas music station play list I almost declare that I have had enough of Christmas music.

Here are a few of my oddest Christmas songs, along with my caustic comments about them, beginning with disgusting Christmas tunes. The first is called 'Santa Claus Has Got The Aids,'  recorded in 1980, but not released until 1990, leaves the listener with visions of sugar plums and  of Santa with AIDS. How inspiring! In. " Don't Shot Me Santa" a  murderous boy pleads with Santa to not shoot him. I would love it if Santa shoot the composer of that song instead. 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' was written as a cute song, but when a then five year old Michael Jackson recorded it, that brought the song to an odd level. There's nothing that says Christmas quite like the thought of a voyeuristic child watching his mom have sex with a fat man in a red suit in the family your house in the middle of the night., all the while dad is fast asleep upstairs.

And the final disgusting one is called 'Christmas Tree'. In her rendition, Lady Gaga, who can be disgusting even without music, tones that  her vagina is "a delicious Christmas tree". Even fruit cake is more appetizing than that.

Another category of odd Christmas music the 'Sappy Tune' selection. These are just too sweet to be tolerated and the first to come to my mind is a tune from my a composer from old hometown, New Orleans, 'All I Want for Christmas is You'.  In this one a love-sick woman swears to her love that he is all she wants for Christmas is him. Forget that recipe and buy her the expensive gift this year.

That's what she really wants. 'The Little Drummer Boy' is so sickeningly sweet that I have an urge to strangle the Little Drummer Boy before he concludes this tune about the impoverished boy offering his  drum rolls to the king instead of the taxes required the king really needs. Band Aids 'Do They Know It's Christmas' is another one of those celebrities pretending they car about the poor causes, put to annoying lyrics at its loudest. Not everybody starving in Africa is Christian. They don't need to know it's Christmas. They need more than band aids. And the 50's hit, 'All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth'  has creepy lyrics sung by a grown man trying to sound like a child. When I hear this one I want to knock out all the teeth of the singer.

I only mention some of the odd Christmas songs here. The lists of odd Christmas tunes could go on forever, but one more category to mention is the oddest named Christmas songs. I'll just give ten titles and you can use your imagination if you haven't heard the lyrics. In the case of these songs, your imagination will be more pleasing to you than listening to the actual songs. How about, 1)  'Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk this Christmas 2) 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' 3) 'I Farted on Santa's Lap' 4)'I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas' 5)'I Pooped on Santa's Lap' 6) 'Santa Hates Poor Kids' 7) Santa's a Fat Bitch'  7) 'Santa Claus is a Black Man' 8) 'Murder City Xmas' 9) 'Santa Claus and his Old Lady' and 10) 'The Night Santa Went Crazy'

You probably can find all of these songs on line. You Tube is a good place to search for them. But if you search for them and listen it will only prove that you are also odd. Ho Ho Ho!