No Soccer For Me

Something called 'The World Cup' is getting a lot of publicity these days. It's ok by me because when I ignore it all I feel better about myself and the world. Doing something constructive is ennobling.  I'm one of those people that sees no value in watching soccer. Yes, I know it is the world's most played and watched sport. So what! There are many popular things as unappealing.  How about eating Brussels Sprouts, painting a fence, undergoing a colostomy.....popular isn't necessarily good. You may enjoy watching soccer, if so probably because it is what you were exposed to in your youth, but I think it is boring.

Let me count the ways as to why soccer is useless. The shocking acts of violence (not by the players, but by those ignorant, toothless, drunken fans), the hundreds of abusive chants and nationalism gone wild at the stadium, the players running around in short pants endlessly chasing a ball that they have no idea what to do with, using the the word 'nil' to mean scoreless, those red cards sure seem a sissified ways of playing a game, they can't even play it in snow, do those drunk fans really even know or care who wins, soccer fans who think that soccer is the only sport,  that

The  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAOOOOOOOOOOOOO chant from the crowd, the fact that the players don't know they have hands and thus never use them, if a player ever scores a goal he runs away from his teammates screaming in exhibition of greatness holding his hands up to the sky for God to Hi-5,  the players all seem to be brought to the game by mom's mini van, and it's BORING.

No wonder that guy Pelé retired and now sells erectile dysfunction pills. The game made him impotent. Most Americans don't like soccer and won't ever. Only the immigrants here seem to watch that mess. Take away the multi millions of illegal immigrants from Mexico and soccer would go away here. Hmmmm That may be reason enough to deport them all.

Yes, it's true that American moms like soccer. But they prefer it only as the sport their kids play only because soccer is essentially non contact nature.  Little Johnny is likely to not get hurt badly playing soccer.  If soccer ever became big here it would merely reflect the decline of the United States, because we know that soccer is for sissies. Soccer is so bland that if soccer was an American soft drink, I think it would be Diet Pepsi.