Vegans

Lady Gaga wore a raw meat dress at a music awards show the other day. This has me thinking about Vegans. As if vegetarianism isn't enough to make this donut munching, Frito gorging tub of goo cringe, the next trendy cause that seems to be catching on is veganism. Vegans, unlike vegetarians, do not eat any animal products or by products of the creatures. That's, no dairy. no honey. no eggs.

They don't even wear clothing that has animal products inside. Scrupulous vegans are like those nutty global warmers who check thermometer readings every day. The vegan checks every food for ingredients that have animal origins; gelatin, for instance, which is derived from collagen in animal bones, is added to hundreds of foods for various purposes. That's a no no for vegans.
One of my daughter Jane's New Orleans friends is a vegetarian, and feeding her is hard enough. The most common reasons for becoming a vegan are human health, ethical commitment or moral conviction concerning the treatment of animals or for spiritual reasons. Jane's friend told me that vegans were "over the top", which is evidence enough for me. one wacky eater trashing another even wackier diet. I love it.

In New Orleans Vegans are almost extinct, and the ones alive there probably hide their eating habits for fear of being shot on the spot. New orleans is a city of great food. That means plenty of animal products and seafood. Here in Portland, a city of trendy liberal causes mixed with a kind of Redneck conservatism, there is a place for plenty of vegan eating spots. Most locals avoid them but at least they don't shoot the vegans in Portland. Chelsea Clinton is a vegan. So are Ellen Degeneris (a fellow New Orleanian), Fiona Apple (she sure has the right name for a vegan), Joaquin Phoenix, and Sinead O'Connor. I think one characteristic of all those is weirdness. Tofu can do that to a person.

I am not eating any vegan foods because I suspect that infamous tofu will be hidden in my portion. Let me die from clogged arteries, fat and well fed with grease. I don't want to suffer in this life from eating foods. Soy products, artificial "meats", almond and plant milk, rice "cheese"...ugh! But there is hope for vegans. I once read that the sacred Oreo cookie is an "accidental" vegan food, since the creme in the middle of the cookies is nothing but sugar and soy. Hmmmm I do love Oreos but am not sure I could exist on those alone. No, I should continue to disparage vegans like those right wing Christians attack Muslims.

There are some tasty foods on the vegan radar. I visited a vegan site to get a sample menu. Here it is.
BREAKFASTcereal/granola with soy/rice milkoatmeal or other hot cerealbagel/toast with jellypancakessoy yogurtfruit smoothie
SNACKS/DESSERTpretzels, popcornpeanuts, almonds, walnutssunflower or pumpkin seedschips & salsabanana, apple, orangeraisins, figs, dried apricotspie, cookies, cake
LUNCH/DINNERpeanut butter & jellygrain/soy burgervegetarian hotdogveggie lunchmeat sandwichbaked/mashed potatoesfrench friestofu, tempeh, or Seitan stir frySeitan casserolepasta with tomato saucetofu lasagnabean burritoseitan casseroletofu lasagna

Well, I like some of the items there, the fresh fruit for example. But who can live on that alone? I need grease and sugar. They run through my veins already and my veins seem to be used to and like them. I am certain if I were put on a vegan diet that I would lapse into depression and then a catatonic state. Veganism must cause mental illness! (Ok, I concede that I am already slightly nuts from my donut diet).

I think I need a donut to forget the whole thing.