The Greening Of Christmas

The environmental excess in Portland of the everything must be "green" is pushing my buttons again. Even at Christmas time the green nuts are pushing us to be "environmentally responsible". But what is that? In this city that bans plastic bags, builds more bike paths than roads and worships anything organic I think I am becoming a Grinch toward their green Christmas policy. The ultimate green gifts are entirely free of fossil fuels, BPA, PCBs, arsenic, Red Dye No. 3, fluoride, Styrofoam, shipping peanuts and batteries. These gifts are also not much fun, but since when is going green and celebrating the holidays supposed to be fun?

Oddly though, most of the green people who confuse me are a little confused themselves. about the most basic of all green Christmas symbols- the Christmas Tree. The green nuts can't agree on what is the mandatory Portland Christmas tree, the artificial version or the real one. This state is the leading Christmas tree growing region in the entire world. Many people here decorate one in their homes them at Christmas time but many of the greeners say that cutting down Christmas trees "causes climate change" The other green nut faction says, no to the artificial version because the manufacture and disposal pollute the environment and help...yes...you know the routine...... they "cause climate change". They haven't come out and said it, but this divisive view probably means they would like Portlanders to forget about Christmas trees and light candles (environmentally approved, of course) instead.

Maybe I should skip Christmas and celebrate the Muslim EId-Al-Adra or the Jewish Hanukkah. Nutty environmentalists never mess with those two religions. Nah, I'll just keep a low profile and celebrate my usual non green way. But I do have some "green gift suggestions for those environmentally obsessed Christmas fans. How about these five for starters.

Sticks- There are sticks, and then there are green sticks. Give your loved one a true green stick for Christmas. You''ll find lying in native grasses where free range chickens and cows mingle all the livelong day. The ground on which the green stick lay must never have rested on any chemical fertilizer.

Mother Earth- God old dirt is about as environmentally desired as anything. It has many useful functions besides supporting out foot steps....as a pie ingredient in our famous "mud pies" of childhood, as tree fort mortar, in finger-painting and for throwing at enemies ("there's mud in your eye!").

Water- A jug of water given on Christmas may make the environmentally conscious greener seem cheap, but is anything more important to man than water? The gift recipient can bathe in it, drink it, cook with it. Beware, if you give the gift of water the recipient may drown you.

Air- If people were dumb enough to believe in air guitars, they should be deluded enough to appreciate the fresh air you give at Christmas. This means, no smoking, talking politics with it at the Christmas dinner table and no farting.

Frogs- They're green and cute. Also they carry those "natural" viruses and bacteria that will give the kid recipient plenty of time sitting on the toilet and flushing that water present you gave.

I hope you also practice the Portland Green Christmas tradition this year. But if you do, please NO green presents for me.