I am one of those people who don't drink wine. The red wines give me a headache, the white wines are not appealing to taste. But then, I drink very few alcoholic beverages of any sort. As a young man I played sports and the culture of the athlete then was to stay away from alcohol. And as got older I never did jump into the alcohol mode. But the wine culture here in Portland is something interesting to see. Portland is a major producer of fine quality white wines. As a result there are many people here who are what is termed 'connoisseurs'.
It's typical for serious wine drinkers I (exclude the winos here), who tend to be upward economically and educationally to give themselves a fancy name. I like simple non alcoholic apple juice, but if I said I was a connoisseur of it people who have me committed. The elite crowd, as in those wine connoisseurs, always use an esoteric language like that to make themselves seem more important, more impressive than the normal apple juice swilling pigs like me.
They like terms such as "uncork". " Harold, have the butler uncork the wine", one connoisseur may say to another. Well, I never "uncork" my apple juice. Even if it had a cork and not those screw tops or pull-top tabs that the rabble like me must negotiate, I would probably say, pull the plug on my juice, will ya". If I asked a fellow common man, maybe a Fred or Sam, to
uncork it, they would probably hit me over the head with the apple juice container.
Living in Portland now, I see wines everywhere for sale and there are wine tasting groups and other wine clubs to join. Not being exposed to the wine culture is unavoidable here. So let me tell you about some of the other snooty wine connoisseur terms I am assaulted with when I drink my apple juice. Do you know these?
* Aroma- wines have an aroma. My apple juice smells. The distinction labels the wine drinker as a person of class and me as a moron. Sigh....there may be some truth in that, but I refuse to discuss the "aroma" of my apple juice.
* Body- this is the term the cons use to describe the effect the i wine has on the palate. My apple juice has a body of sort to because it has the effect of making me sit on the toilet after drinking it.
* Dry- In wine circles it refers to how much sugar is in that wine. Heck! I don't need that label. The label on my apple juice container just tells me "no sugar added' or whatever has been done to the juice. I doubt anyone could understand if I told them my juice was a dry apple juice.
* Flabby- That's the connoisseur term for low acidity in a wine. For we apple juice drinkers "flabby' is what our waistlines are from drinking too much of that sugary stuff.
* Fortified- A wine that is fortified has extra alcohol added to keep it from fermenting. But in apple juice circles "fortified" is what the label says to mean that vitamins have been added to what is largely nutritionally, empty sugar water that so much apple juice is.
* Mulled- A mulled wine is a wine that has been heated with spices. This is similar to the gourmet of apple juices, the apple cider. Apple cider is apple juice with spices added..same thing except no alcohol or pretentiousness added.
* Palate- A wine drinker talks about his or her mouth having a palate, but most apple juice drinkers don't use that word when they drink their juice and probably can't even spell "palate".
* Reserve- a wine drinker has a wine cellar with his best wines stored there. Those favorites are called his "reserves". Uh, all I have is a small kitchen pantry crowed with assorted foods where I put my apple juice. Thus far, the apple juice hasn't complained about it.
* Sommelier- Is what they call the wine expert at your favorite expensive restaurant. Apple Juice drinkers don't have a Sommelier. We just ask that fat, pimply kid in the grocery store who stocks the juice, "Hey! What apple juice is the most popular one you sell?"
* Vintage- Every wine connoisseur identifies his wine by the year it was bottled, it's vintage. We apple juice drinkers have a vintage too, called the expiration date . "Do not drink after..." Wines never expire but you better drink your juice quicker. It dies quickly.
Those terms are but a few of the language of wines, but enough to make me avoid any association with the world of connoisseur
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