Worst Holidays To Celebrate

Now that St. Patrick's Day is over there I think that isn't any worthy holidays for me for the next seven months. That would be when Halloween arrives. But until then I will wonder where the holidays are and why all the good ones seem to fall between the end of October and Mid March. It just reminds me that all holidays are not treated equally. For example, who has fun at Ramadan? If you can name that person I don't want to meet him/her. They probably would call me an infidel.  Holidays should be above solemnity of that sort and should include a great deal of silliness.

I was thinking about the holidays that I find too dull to celebrate and have a list for you. It's, well, enough to celebrate. Here are my five worst holidays of the year.

* New Year's Eve- This one is beyond understanding. It's a holiday about nothing (an artificial "changing of the calendar" to an new year) in which people get drunk, kill others while driving in that condition and in which a fat guy dresses in a diaper with a banner announcing the new year. Never do so many people try so hard to have fun. Holidays should never be about trying to have fun. Rather, they should be intrinsically fun.

* Valentine's Day- As a card carrying male I have to hate this one. Women get gifts, flowers, candy, a free meal in a nice restaurant, falsely sincere admonitions of why they are loved....and they believe that the largess is from the heart ( but it's really from social pressure, ladies). What do we men get on Valentine's Day? First there is a lighter pocket book after paying for all that stuff. And then it is a lotttttttttttttttt of pressure to actually be sincere about our love for our lady rather than just being the male pig we are and faking it.

*Good Friday- This is the Catholic celebration of a famous murder,. It commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Isn't that bit weird? First, why is it "good friday" if Christ was murdered that day? He sure had a bad day. And what are we supposed to do to celebrate on Good Friday? Or perhaps, it is a holiday to honor mass murderers. I think it unnecessary to have a day for that event. Hannibal Lecture already gets way too much attention from Hollywood.

* Black Friday- This one was created by retailers and is celebrated the day after Thanksgiving. We are supposed to spend our money buying gifts to give at Christmas that are "on sale". From my view, shopping is not a celebration. And the fact is that those sales are not really sales of note. You can buy the same junk even cheaper just a few days before Christmas. Don't those shoppers know they are being tricked into buying. That the U.S. has a holiday for spending money recklessly seems to sum up why we are a materialistic people.

* Groundhog Day- Groundhog Day is celebrated in the U.S. each year on February 2nd. On this day in mid-winter, the groundhog awakens from a long winter's nap, and goes outside of his den to see if he sees his shadow. If he does see the shadow that is supposed to mean there will be a full 6 weeks more of winter. Hmmm How do they get all the groundhogs to agree on the shadow thing? This tradition is big on an otherwise cold and dreary mid-winter's day when there isn't much to do anyway. But why are elevating groundhogs?  There is even an official Santa groundhog of sort named Punxsutawney Phil who has even more power than does a Kardashian girl!

Feel free to debunk my reasoning on any or all of the five. You can prove me wrong or just celebrate each a little more to spite me. And may all our future holidays be better than those five

Old School

I wish more young people would see the value of being "Old School". Uh, old school refers to the in which people used to relate to each other with manners rather than with expediency (as in tweets and messaging instead of face to face communication). I know that I am old school because it is the university I grew up attending, and that today's manner less culture is a whole different kind of institution. But I believe that etiquette which shows respect for others is a kinder, gentler, nicer, better way in which to live life. So I have tried to emphasize to my daughter that old school has its advantages, and I think she understands and is old school too.

Writing formal thank you notes, walking from an auto to the front door and knocking instead of honking the auto horn, not using a phone in public, holding open a door for anyone who needs assistance because he or she is carrying a bag of groceries, smiling and saying hello when crossing the path of strangers, and deferring to the driver at an opposite street intersection when both cars are stopped area few od the old school behaviors I see with less and less frequency among both old school and new school people. It's a shame.

I understand that old school coincides with being old fashioned, but I like it because I have lived in both the old and new eras and see that the former was a far more enjoyable one in which to be when relating to and with others.  I do understand that modern technologies tends to make it easier to not be old school, and that cultures do evolve (or devolve, as in this case) over time. But perhaps being old school might spark a desire in others to give it a try. Parents can teach old school behavior, but only by modeling it with their own actions, and that is something modern humans seem less likely to do.

I wonder if others feel as I do. Do you think society that we create in our dealings with others is kinder today?  Am I just old fashioned and out of touch? What do you think?

Napping Day

You probably missed it, so I'll make you feel stupid because you are too tired and weary to know what important days the world celebrates. It's 'Napping Day'. The day after Daylight Savings time goes into effect is the International Napping Day celebration where you are allowed to fall asleep at your computer terminal or snore in front of the TV set without anyone calling you a lazy bum. This Napping Day thing started in 1999 and has not yet to become old and tired.  Thanks for what brought it about should be given to the worst idea of the century, Daylight Savings Time. That's the day in which we all turn our clocks back to make more daylight for our waking hours. Napping Day is supposed to help you adjust to Daylight Savings Time. But I think a better way to adjust to Daylight Savings Time is to do away with DST altogether.

I dislike Daylight Savings Time and think we can find enough good in darkness to not have to change darkness into light.  I know Dracula would agree with that sentiment. But advocating for more naps is a wholly good idea apart from any Napping Day, particularly for one like me who is sleep deprived. I nap every day. Even 30 minutes does the body well. I know you are thinking, "You mean he would be even worse without his nap!"  Well, research says that naps boost alertness,  increase creativity (ok I admit, after reading this you can tell I need a long nap), boosts productivity, improves learning and memory and makes the spirit more positive.

A survey by the National Sleep Foundation found that 63 percent of Americans do not get enough sleep. One in five respondents admitted being so sleepy during the day that it interfered with their activities at least a few days a week. I used to tell my teachers that very fact when they so rudely awakened me in class by throwing those chalk erasers at me. I admit that may have crossed the line by snoring when the English teacher conjugated verbs, so I hold no grudges against them.  But despite my chalky appearance after she connected on her target I am certain I gained more from the nap than from her lectures on dangling participles.

Some pretty prominent types support my view that we should nap, not just on Napping Day but every other day too. Ovid once wrote that, "There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of a briefest, than in all the alcohol every distilled". Hmmm I fear the drunks won't agree...  Even my mom had a wisecrack she told me when I waxed about what I wanted to do in life. She used to say, "You want to follow your dreams. Just shut up and take a nap."

We adults make toddlers take naps every day (sometimes so we can relax enough to take our own nap). Just think how happy workers would be if the boss set up cots for naps every day. Since most employees in most offices sleep at their computer terminals anyway, it would be better to give them a cot on which to do it. Are you feeling sleepy? Even if my boring tirade about napping hasn't induced a coma in you, go for it and take a a nap to celebrate Napping Day.

Papal Election Oddities

Watching the drama of the announcement of the new pope after the "white smoke" release  from the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican that says a new pope has been chosen was interesting to one like me who loves tradition. I can think of nothing more traditional than the behavior of the Catholic Church, which keeps its rituals as true to the past as is possible, partly because some of  those traditions seem weird today.. The crowds who had gathered in the Vatican Square to await the announcement of and appearance of the new pope were cheering and in a frenzy as like that at a sporting event, waving flags and chanting in a display far more alive than any actual church service that will follow during the reign of this new pope will be. It seems it takes tradition to liven the faithful in matters of the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church is secretive and can appear odd at times. Take the papal section process itself as an example.  Sedia Stecorana, the pierced chair has been used since medieval time because any candidate chosen by the cardinals to be the new pope had to sit in that chair with he open bottom space while one of the cardinals  reached through the hole and fondled his testicles to prove he was a male. Uh, the examining cardinal who fondled the new pope supposedly called out to the other cardinals, "He has two balls, and they are well hung."  Hmmmm Then they molested the pope, and now they just molest the altar boys.  Let's hope the new pope wasn't subjected to that quaint squeeze test tradition.

But since Pope John VIII (later ridiculed as "Pope Joan") was elected in 855 and later discovered by the woman hating Catholics to be a woman (after being chosen and reigning for two years she gave birth to a child and was beaten, dragged into the streets and stoned to death on finding out about her deception) it might not be a bad idea to still do an eye ball test when electing a new pope. Who knows? Maybe in the super secretive church it still is the procedure. With all the sex scandals among the clergy I am sure there would be plenty of volunteers to squeeze.

The former Pope, Benedict, is grateful he is still alive and not being replaced as pope because of death. That's because of another weird tradition of the Catholic Church used in selecting a new pope. It seems that by traditional ritual the old pope had to be certified dead before the new one had his balls checked. To do it they used a tried and true method- they hit the supposed dead pope on the head with the "silver hammer" three times to see if there is a response. I suspect they got plenty of response when checking the new pope's balls. The Romans still say about the silver hammer, "There is nothing so dead as a dead pope".

May the new pope enjoy the ball test and avoid the silver hammer for many years to come....

St Patrick's Day Is Not Just For The Irish

Since Portland is not a city with a big Irish influence there isn't much happening here for those who want to celebrate in an "Irish way". Potlanders aren't much for public displays of any type. There are a more solitary lot. But in my former New Orleans there is a huge Irish presence with plenty of parades, green beer, and green people and things decorated for the day. So St. Patty Day is not alien to me. Growing up my family (my maternal grandma was Irish) always ate lamb (an Irish favorite) so I'll make myself Irish stew (lamb stew) one day this weekend. Hmmmm I wonder if the Irish would be upset if they found out I was part Irish.

St. Patrick's Day seems to be one of those "accidental holidays" in that it was not a public project but rather slowly and gradually became a public way of announcing one's Irish heritage. Supposedly, the first sign of it in the form of a public display was in London , England. That's something an Irishman would not like to talk about, given they don't see eye to eye with the English.

Did you know that St. Patrick's Day is a public holiday in only three places outside of Ireland..... in Montserrat, in Labrador and in Newfoundland?  Too, Boston is where the first St. Patty Day parade was held, and the biggest St. Patrick's Day parade is not in Ireland, but in New York City where 150,000 people are in the parade that is watched by about 3 million people who line the streets.

Even the symbols of modern St. Patrick Day celebrations are not totally of Irish reference or heritage. Take St. Patrick himself, the guy who planted the seeds of Catholicism in Ireland  The person on which that modern character is based was Scottish. At the age of 16, he was kidnapped and sold into Irish slavery. Later on in time he became a priest and took on the name Patricius, better known as Patrick.  In any case, the Scottish want some recognition for St. Patrick too.

One thing that is especially nice about St. Patrick's Day is that it is a welcoming celebration. The Irish  are friendly and welcoming types. They don't really care if you have Irish ancestry.  So put on something green this Sunday and punch someone who is not in green. Happy St. Patrick's Day

As the Irish say...
 'May your pockets be heavy
 Your heart be light,
 And may good luck pursue you,
 Morning, noon and night.'

I Wish They Would Stop Blaming

You know what I am tired of hearing about.  It's that "climate change" thing, what they used to call 'global warming'. It seems every climate variation anywhere in the world is blamed on the theory that humans are controlling climate and making it hotter. I don't believe man is making the world warmer by doing manly things and wish that every natural disaster or weather event would not be claimed to be the fault of my driving my car or using my air conditioning.

The latest stupidity claimed by global warmers is that eye disorders are caused by the increased levels of ultraviolet radiation that reaches the surface of the earth because of ozone depletion. They also claim that increased temperatures have created more eye problems. Fact is, they are blind and should open their eyes more and express fewer opinions as being fact. Here are some other things that climate change/global warmed idiots say are the result of mankind's abuse of earth: shrinking sheep, longer days, shorter days, more shark attacks. the Arab Spring, diabetes, more strokes and heart attacks, high blood pressure, respiratory disease, beer not tasting the same as before, the suicide of farmers in Australia, infertile cows, the collapse of gingerbread houses in Sweden, UFO's in England,  bigger tuna fish, wetter snowstorms, bad sex, severe acne, dying polar bears,  more tornadoes, depression, increased threat of war, more allergies, that big earthquake and tsunami in Japan, armed robbery, prostitution, drug abuse in Ghana, insanity....

Ok, that's just some of climate change. I will stop at "insanity" because I do agree with the climate change nuts that they are insane. In my view the real results of the irrational climate change hysteria is the deadening of the brains of those who believe such nonsense instead of using their own reasoning process, the waste of money on silly green technology, the frightening of children with crazy "it's global warming and we are all going to die" refrains.

Climate does change naturally. It is not a stable phenomenon. Fact is that not only does Earth have natural climate chance but all of our planets as well.  Last time I check nobody was driving cars in Venus. We should all act responsibly as to our environment, but exaggerating and lying about the effects humans have on climate is counterproductive to doing that. Humans need truth not scare tactics to motivate them to live in harmony with nature. Anything else than that is just crying wolf.

Wiping Religiously

To escape real world problems today I thought I would mention the Finnish toilet paper maker who got in big trouble in Norway for putting quotes from the Bible, including the words of Jesus, on its rolls. The Norwegian churches were not amused that even though Mesta Tissue was trying to convey messages about love, it accidentally included lines from the Gospel of Matthew and First Corinthians on toilet paper sold in Norway, Denmark and Sweden. Who would wipe with that! Well, Mesta apologized, promised not to print them anymore and recalled all the religious tissue.

Mesta Tissue, whose toilet rolls in the Nordics regularly feature witty quotes, poetry or philosophical messages said that pooping is not a sacred task, that the accidental printing was it was just a "mess" that happened, and that it would "wipe" all future rolls clean of any religious thought. Hmmmm I once had an uncle who was constipated so much he probably would have liked the idea of divine inspiration toilet tissue to help him do his business while on the pot.  I would search the Bible to see if Jesus weighed in on the subject of religious toilet paper, but in Biblical times they had no toilet paper and instead wiped with whatever was handy.

Hmmm If Mesta had printed the Koran 's words from Allah on that toilet paper I wonder how many people would have been killed in riots by now? Those Muslims are offended when one says hello. I doubt they would like to see infidels wiping with Allah in public rest rooms. Hey! Maybe we should add an 11th commandment, since scripture does not directly address the "to wipe religiously or not to wipe religiously" question. Something like....Thou shalt not wipe your butt with bible scripture. I think both the Muslims and Christians could agree on that. To think it takes ass wiping to unite the religions must be a miracle.

But wait! Remember that quote they used to teach us in elementary school. It was, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness". That line seems to contradict the prohibition about religious wiping. Now I am thoroughly confused as to whether it is nobler in the minds of man to wipe religiously.  Maybe Mesta Tissue should put famous religious faces on it's rolls instead, humans like past popes or the founders of religious sects.  That could be a grand compromise which only offends humans, not the Gods.

I think I have "gotten to the bottom" of this issue, because I now feel a sudden urge to sit and ruminate on the pot about it and then afterward to "wipe away" everything but my sins...