Squatty Potty

Just when I think the popular culture has reached its lowest level I am jolted back to the reality that our obsession with "nothing" today has no bounds. What I just saw in an advertisement almost knocks the poo out of me....uh...figuratively so. It's a new product called the 'squatty potty' that, according to the ads on the squattypotty.com web site, must be used if one is to poo properly. Yep! We are all pooing wrong and it is a mess.

Basically, the squatty potty is a very cleverly designed stool.  It allows you to raise your knees high enough that your body is in a squatting position, even though you're still sitting on the toilet (you can actually properly squat and hover if you prefer). They want to sell us a plastic stool to put it in front of their toilet, and to convince us to believe that if we rests our feet on the stool we will be in the only pooing position that is "correct".  They say those cave men squatted, so it must be the right way. Everyone who has seen a reality TV show contestant knows how wise a caveman is.

Use a squatty potty, they claim, and the colon will be lined up properly for that dump you love to take every morning. The price of this dumpster aid....hold on to your butt cheeks...or something....the price starts at $35 per squatty potty. Deluxe models cost nearly $80....this for a plastic foot stool one can buy in any Wal mart for less than $10.  Before you say that I am full of it, I promise not to be graphic in describing the squatty potty benefits. Here are the claims for why you should have your own (maybe  you can have yours monogrammed) squatty potty. The squatty potty benefits include: alleviation or elimination of constipation, prevention or elimination of hemorrhoids, prevention of colon cancer and other colon diseases, provides complete bowel movements, eliminates the need to strain when pooing, helps colitis patients, and a squatty potty helps prevent appendicitis. Hmmmm, no cure for cancer?

Wow! This product might be the magic bullet we search for all our lives! Or perhaps the squatty people are just testing us to see how gullible we are. Next time that Fido squats before defecating on that new rug you love so much, don't get mad, just smile and say, "Good boy...You showed me the proper squat. I need a squatty potty."  Are you now so excited you want to take a dump right here? Wait!  Hold it in until you throw away your money and buy a squatty potty. Here's their web site for full details http://www.squattypotty.com/Default.asp?Click=4820

Modern life sure is complicated. Now we are told we don't even know how to take a crap correctly, and that we need to put our feet up on a piece of plastic for which we pay $35, in order to poop properly.  I think I'll skip buying a squatty potty, get rid of all the toilets in my house and just squat in my backyard from here on out. After all, I wouldn't want you to claim I was also literally full of ----.
The benefits of squatting include: Alleviation or elimination of constipation problems Prevention and elimination of hemorrhoids Potential prevention of colon cancer and other colon diseases Strengthening of the pelvic floor More effective and complete bowel movements Eliminates the need to push or strain Helps with colitis ... Ugh! I think it's way to complicated for simply taking a dump.