Will The Real Santa Please Stand Up

I'm a little confused theses days. You see, I thought that fat guy in the red suit (no, not me in my red pajamas, the other fat guy in red) we call Santa Claus was the one and only Christmas good guy.  But now I don't know whether to call the good Christmas gift giver Santa or Yuleman or Tomte or Belsnickel or Pere Noel or La Bafana or Krampas or Ded Moroz or Black Peter. Maybe I should just forget the Santa thing. After all, I already am skeptical of just about everything else.  This is confusing. It seems that in many countries there is an alter ego for Santa.
So, The tradition of children receiving gifts during the month of December is relatively the same no matter where you go in the world, but the character that brings the gifts can vary quite a bit from country to country. Of course, American culture is spread everywhere by Hollywood and the other infantile American cultural contaminants. Perhaps Santa will one day kill off all those other pretenders.

Consider this an education is alter Santa's because I will now relate a few things about those pretenders that I mentioned above. Don't you exit now or I will tell all of those Santa's  about your absence and you'll be in Christmas hell.  Let's start with the Yuleman guy. He is the Santa of Iceland..... or one of the The Yule lads Yulemen) They are a group of thirteen mischievous creatures that have largely taken the place of Santa and, frankly, are a little weird. Each of the thirteen Yulemen is known for playing a different, often weird, trick. Ketkrokur, for example, uses a long hook to steal meat, while Gluggagaegir spies into people's windows in order to find things to steal in the night. Stekkjastaur, a personal favorite, is said to walk on peg legs and harass sheep. Forget leaving cookies and milk for them Christmas Eve. Better to hide under the bed covers.

The Tomte are Scandinavia's version of Santa. Originally they were small, gnomish characters that kept watch over family farms. They were generally kind and looked out for people, but they had short fuses like Sam Kinneson. So they were quick to beat up or play tricks on those who weren't good stewards of the farmland.  Today, the American Santa has turned them into fat little men who both resemble Santa in appearance and bring Christmas gifts to kids.
Belsnickel is a legendary figure who accompanies Santa Claus in certain regions of Europe, particularly in Holland.

Like Santa he is a gift giver, but only by threat. He’s usually depicted as a mountain man-style figure with fur covering his body, and he occasionally wears a mask with a long tongue.  Belsnickel is generally a character to be feared, and in most regions he is employed as a sort of warning to coerce the brats....I mean the children, to behave. I think the Belsnickel is a paranoid kind of guy, something like a character Jack Nicholson plays in those odd movies he seems to make Pere Noel is the French Santa, so you know he has to be both pretentious and anti social.

Instead of using reindeer he rides a single donkey called Gui. I wonder if he is the French exception, you know someone in that country who actually bathes once in a while. The French also have a character called La Pere Fouettard (The Whipping Father). Like Belsnickel, he's a figure who is supposed to be feared by naughty kids, and based on his story, it's easy to see why. In the most popular version of it, it is said that in the 1100s La Pere Fouettard and his wife kidnapped and murdered three young men and then cooked them into a stew. I think even Santa will stay clear of that guy.

Befana is a witch-like character who has become a big part of yuletide celebrations in Italy. Yep! The Italians have a female Santa. But wait! It's not because they are progressive. Befana is portrayed as an old hag who rides a broomstick, and she typically wears a black shawl and carries a bag of gifts. She supposedly does not like to be seen, and is said to whack any child who her spies on her with her broomstick. That's pretty consistent of the Italian male view of women.

In the Bavarian part of Germany is Krampus, who has nothing in common with Santa. He is a monster, but then, didn't most of the Nazis also emerge from Bavaria too? People in Bavaria dress up as the Krampus and parade through the city streets scaring other people (No word yet on whether Krampus goose steps). There are some towns that hold festivals devoted to jokingly celebrating the history of the creature. Those Germans even have a jaded view of Christmas and Santa.

Ded Moroz is the traditional holiday gift giver of Russia and other  Slavic countries in Eastern Europe. Like Santa, Ded Moroz wears a red costume and sports a white beard, but he doesn't use reindeer or ride a sleigh. Instead, he drives a troika, which is a traditional Russian horse drawn sled. As the story goes, he was once an evil and vicious sorcerer who would kidnap children and demand presents as a ransom. Over time, he was reformed, and now he gives gifts to children in order to atone for his once wicked ways. Hmmmm, sort of like the politician caught having an affair with his 18 year old office intern.

In Holland, the Santa there (Sinterklaas) has not an elf, but Black Peter, a little boy who helps him hand out presents. There are many versions of how Black Peter came to work with Sinterklaas, some of them quite controversial. If Sinterklaas was the American Santa I think the left wing nuts here would probably accuse him of making Black Peter his sex slave. To avoid that embarrassing notion the Dutch have sanitized Black Peter's reputation and now often described as being a chimney sweep.

There you have it. Take your pick or simply ignore all those Santa types and put up a Ḥanukah Bush instead of a Christmas tree this year.