Signs Of Old Age

Somebody asked me the other day when it was I knew I was "getting old". The bad news is I am long past the getting stage and now certifiably old, at least by my standards. That's right. I have a certain criteria that I use to tell how old I am becoming. Maybe you use it to. It's called the Comparative Elderly Parent Scale (I just made that up, don't research it on the Internet or you will reveal that your mind is too old to read context or hyperbole). To use the scale you say to yourself, "When did I notice my parents were old"?

Here's a few of the things my mom and dad did that I am starting to do now. They reveal I am more quickly on my way out of this life.

* Falling asleep in a favorite chair- this is worrisome for me because a  favorite chair or a couch in my house is now preferable for sleeping than is a bed. But then, if some sexy young girl were in my bed I would change that habit. Alas! That may be the fountain of youth for old farts.

* No ladders for me- Recently I decided to not stand on ladders anymore. I think the idea was not original. I read that the leading cause of death for men over 65 years of age is falling off a ladder and sustaining a fatal brian or other injury. Perhaps if I stay off ladders I might become immortal.


* Happy hour is now a nap-  I swear that I now prefer a nap to an outing, I  don't drink alcohol and never liked going to bars but now there is no point. At my age I have more interest in hitting on the sofa pillow than a hot chick.

* I am repeating my parents' admonitions- Terror for me was not Hillary Clinton wining the Presidency (But that was my number two fear). Nope! It's hearing me telling my daughter the same mess my mom and dad used to say to me. One  I uttered recently was, You should start planning financially for retirement now". My 22 year old already thinks I am nuts, but after hearing that one I am fortunate she didn't send me to a nursing home.

* Leaving the lights on and other memory lapses-  My memory is now functioning at about one forth of what it use to be, and my overall mental abilities have degraded to the point I am equal to most of the idiots who watch reality TV. My compensation is to make lists. If I go to the grocery store without a list for the one time I seek I am certain to not only forget the milk I intended to buy but to also forget my car keys at the store check-out counter.

* Dreading light bulb changes in my home- My motto is now that when I change a light bulb I wish that I die before the replacement burns out. "Boy! I hope I die before that bulb does."

* Giving up all the bad habits- Even when I gave up the bad habits I still felt awful. At that point I decided to find one vice in order to retain  what is left of my sanity. That's why I eat all the bad stuff and keep getting fatter.  But at least I have the energy to laugh at the clowns who run down my street every morning at 5 am. I secretly hope they have a heart attack and die young during their morning fitness run.

* More patience- My mom and dad seemed to have more and more patience when older. I am now more patient too. Problem is, it's because they and I just don't care anymore. The apathy of old age differs from young apathy. The young have meaningful purpose to their lives, even when apathetic. We oldies have as prime purpose to have that morning bowl movement. It's a life highlight now!

Ah, there is so much more but I think I need a nap now. That's highlight number two for me.