Dirty Beards

I have a beard for a long time. I think I was in my early 20's when I first grew a beard. The hassle of shaving, of slashing the face into a bloody pulp every morning, was the prime motivation for growing it. I am not sure if there was any other reason, for having a beard then were not seen as unusual or a making of a statement. I surely didn't do it as a protest against society. Besides, most of my life society has protested against me, not I against it. Long ago I surrendered to society. I like my beard and shall keep it until the life is taken from my body. But just now I read some disturbing "beard news".

Have I got horrifying news for you (especially if you are near a beard)! A new study in New Mexico (I suspect they hate beards there) released by Quest Diagnostics into beard dirt says that some of the beards studied contained normal bacteria,  but several others were comparable to toilets. Yep! They claim my beard my be as clean as a toilet bowl full of poop. "If there were similar samples in the water system it would have to be shut down for disinfecting," the Quest said in its report. But wait! Have there not been many studies that also say your computer keyboard and cell phone are as dirty as a toilet? (I'll wait while you wipe your keyboard with antibacterial wipes and I wipe my beard with wipes too) 

So I am thinking now that maybe beards are normal for dirt, fecal matter, bacteria and the rest. It has long been said that the filthiest place with the most fecal bacteria in a home is not in the toilet, but the kitchen sink. Most city water systems can also be dirtier than my beard. So why slander the bearded ones of the earth?  Germs are  everywhere, we might as well accept it, and when we're having a bad day we should remember that people like the ones at Quest are spending their lives deep in dirt, researching beard bacteria and whatever else humans come in contact with. No wonder they have dirty minds. 

Nonsense to that study, I say! Uh...but I do request that the ladies shave their legs regularly. We bearded men do have our standards for cleanliness.